is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
