I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
should my penis look like a turkey
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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