Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
