I faked an abortion last night.
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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