remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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