Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
