My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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