They should really pass out barf bags in church
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
