If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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