I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
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