i just wanna soil my oats bro
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
