just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
