I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
