my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Randomize
