The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Randomize
