hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Randomize
