I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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