and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
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