He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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