Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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