He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Randomize
