so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
