The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
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