Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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