I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
Randomize