i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
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