my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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