she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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