so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
