while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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