Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize