i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Yep Great. Apparently I didn't just say things once that night. Drink. Yell. Repeat.
U also mentioned u werent wearing any underwear hahahaha
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Randomize