can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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