Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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