Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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