Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
i think i scared a bird with my dick
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Randomize
