Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
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