Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize