On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
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