Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Hippo gnu deer
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
