he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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