sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Randomize
