Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
