Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
