people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Randomize
