One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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