every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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