ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
