Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Randomize
