i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
