I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Randomize
