Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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