Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Randomize
