I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
My breasts were aching with rage.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
