Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
