spencer pratt says his family invinted chess
that kid is like the al gore of hollywood.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
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