I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
