I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
Randomize
