I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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