Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Randomize
