Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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