i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
