so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
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