sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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