I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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